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<channel><title><![CDATA[Relationship Gardening by Shannon Batts - Blog]]></title><link><![CDATA[http://www.relationshipgardening.com/blog]]></link><description><![CDATA[Blog]]></description><pubDate>Tue, 07 Apr 2026 16:26:32 -0700</pubDate><generator>Weebly</generator><item><title><![CDATA[Pandemic Workaround Expands Support for Transgender Coming Out in Marriage By Opening Statewide for Oregon and California]]></title><link><![CDATA[http://www.relationshipgardening.com/blog/pandemic-workaround-expands-support-for-transgender-coming-out-in-marriage-by-opening-statewide-oregon-and-california]]></link><comments><![CDATA[http://www.relationshipgardening.com/blog/pandemic-workaround-expands-support-for-transgender-coming-out-in-marriage-by-opening-statewide-oregon-and-california#comments]]></comments><pubDate>Mon, 09 Aug 2021 19:26:55 GMT</pubDate><category><![CDATA[Trans]]></category><guid isPermaLink="false">http://www.relationshipgardening.com/blog/pandemic-workaround-expands-support-for-transgender-coming-out-in-marriage-by-opening-statewide-oregon-and-california</guid><description><![CDATA[Support groups for the partners of someone in a mutually supportive marriage or long term relationship that comes out transgender (this includes non-binary) are rare. Spouses Group, launched in 2016, pre-pandemic, met in person and although members rolled on in from all directions, once even a 4 hour drive away, the offer was not reachable by the rest of Oregon and California. As a professional, my groups are offered to those in the states I am licensed in-thus CA and OR.&nbsp; Like most other c [...] ]]></description><content:encoded><![CDATA[<div class="paragraph">Support groups for the partners of someone in a mutually supportive marriage or long term relationship that comes out transgender (this includes non-binary) are rare. Spouses Group, launched in 2016, pre-pandemic, met in person and although members rolled on in from all directions, once even a 4 hour drive away, the offer was not reachable by the rest of Oregon and California. As a professional, my groups are offered to those in the states I am licensed in-thus CA and OR.&nbsp; Like most other counselors, I moved my services to virtual meetings aka telehealth, through Zoom video meetings. Voila! Now members are from as far south as San Diego, CA!<br /><br />The other workaround is doing more Walk and Talks-individual sessions while walking. Walking is not offered for groups, obviously, but a big relief from the constant screen time<span style="color:rgb(64, 59, 52)">, to expand the walking meetings for individuals&nbsp;</span>now that nearly everything has gone to video meetings. Originally, years ago, my combat veteran clients and introverts especially preferred walking sessions-something I offered when their fidgeting and self soothing nonverbals where spiking. Turns out there are creative boosts and health benefits from walking meetings, and yes, the vets and others did feel better to talk while walking.&nbsp;<br /><br />Lack of childcare was a constant barrier when in person-to the point that I hired someone to hang out with clients' kids when my office was in a 2 story house and I was the only one using it on the weekends. Many of my clients have children at home, from babies to teens. Virtual meetings are frustrating for school and work combos, but allow the parents to do sessions when kids are sleeping or occupied with a movie in another room. Several couples nearly to divorce, repaired their marriage because they could finally get going on their sessions via Zoom.<br /><br />When a partner comes out trans, that first phase is super rough for many and having an accepting community to turn to that TOTALLY gets all the mixed feelings and grief, as well as can celebrate the breakthroughs-it is life and relationship saving!<br /><br /><span style="color:rgb(64, 59, 52)">Quite a few people transitioning gender and their spouses that have been in touch with me for relationship support are engineers, former military, IT, teachers, accountants, as well as lawyers, therapists and doctors. Not sure why these professions in particular-but there is a trend. All group members are prescreened.</span><br /><br /><span style="color:rgb(64, 59, 52)">If we could just get the word out---hmmm, wonder if that's you who can let others, other organizations, workplaces, social media circles and lists know of this by donation, totally supportive group?&nbsp;</span><br /><br />Shannon Batts/she<br />Portland, OR<br />for CA and OR clients<br /><br />relationshipgardening.com<br />&#8203;spousesresourcecenter.org<br />&#8203;couplescoach@gmail.com<br /><br /><br /><br />&#8203;<br /><br /><br /></div>]]></content:encoded></item><item><title><![CDATA[Couples in Transition-Leading a New Couples Group in PDX]]></title><link><![CDATA[http://www.relationshipgardening.com/blog/couples-in-transition-leading-a-new-couples-group-in-pdx]]></link><comments><![CDATA[http://www.relationshipgardening.com/blog/couples-in-transition-leading-a-new-couples-group-in-pdx#comments]]></comments><pubDate>Wed, 23 Oct 2019 00:21:52 GMT</pubDate><category><![CDATA[Uncategorized]]></category><guid isPermaLink="false">http://www.relationshipgardening.com/blog/couples-in-transition-leading-a-new-couples-group-in-pdx</guid><description><![CDATA[Couples in Transition is a new group at Relationship Gardening that I am incredible excited to lead.&nbsp; Who are these couples? Supportive Spouses from Spouses Group that are cisgender with a transgender partner are the ones who can apply to be in the Couples in Transition Group.&nbsp; Even though I have seen at least 40 supportive spouses that remained together and thriving in the last 3 years of my group, it is still rare to find spouses or couples groups that support this unique type of rel [...] ]]></description><content:encoded><![CDATA[<div class="paragraph">Couples in Transition is a new group at Relationship Gardening that I am incredible excited to lead.&nbsp; Who are these couples? Supportive Spouses from Spouses Group that are cisgender with a transgender partner are the ones who can apply to be in the Couples in Transition Group.&nbsp; Even though I have seen at least 40 supportive spouses that remained together and thriving in the last 3 years of my group, it is still rare to find spouses or couples groups that support this unique type of relationship.&nbsp; We are in the second batch in the couples group and are planning to have mega group check ins with all the rounds of couples groups after every new batch finishes their round.&nbsp; I am hoping this also leads to the Very Important Transition Couples Retreats I plan to lead!<br />Although these are not broke down relationships I provide along the way a bit of Gottman science informed coaching of ingredients and how tos that keep a marriage on long lasting, happy path.<br /><br />Couples share about coming out challenges for both partners, living double lives, work and career issues, getting free of hiding, living stealth, navigating rejecting relatives, raising children, planning for children, grown children, trans children, all the emotions within the relationship be it guilt, pride and celebration, anxiety and worry, solidarity with each other and other couples in the group, job leads, practical tips (electrolysis, medical insurance, name changes), sex and intimacy, navigating what this event means to identity (lesbian or gay couples now perceived as het, or het couples now perceived as gay or lesbian, and the challenge of nonbinary identities), setting boundaries with rude or intrusive people, changes to the relationship that were unexpected lovely surprises, and sometimes the great places to go to coffee together in a safer space.<br /><br />As usual in working with me, we laugh, we cry, we have tea and chocolate (not required). Then I get to feel like I really love leaving a legacy in my life's work of impacting family trees positively by being a catalyst for healthy marriages even when other therapists are still telling these clients that their relationships don't work. Sucky heteronormative therapy and attitudes towards them is what doesn't work.<br /><br />Couples in Transition Groups bring these families out of isolation and more into community where they can be themselves, reduce suffering, expand the joy and grow that "have each other's back" feeling that is what trust feels like, not just in the marriages but also in their new community.&nbsp;<br /><br />Talk to you soon,<br />&#8203;<br />Shannon Batts<br /><a href="http://www.spousesresourcecenter.org/spouses-resource-center.html" target="_blank">spousesresourcecenter.org</a><br /><br /></div>  <div><div class="wsite-image wsite-image-border-none " style="padding-top:10px;padding-bottom:10px;margin-left:0;margin-right:0;text-align:center"> <a> <img src="http://www.relationshipgardening.com/uploads/2/9/5/4/29541691/795354596_orig.jpg" alt="Picture" style="width:auto;max-width:100%" /> </a> <div style="display:block;font-size:90%"></div> </div></div>]]></content:encoded></item><item><title><![CDATA[Resource Redirection for Portland Area Couples Who Are Black Americans-Free Couples Counseling in 2019]]></title><link><![CDATA[http://www.relationshipgardening.com/blog/resource-redirection-for-portland-area-couples-who-are-black-americans-free-couples-counseling-in-2019]]></link><comments><![CDATA[http://www.relationshipgardening.com/blog/resource-redirection-for-portland-area-couples-who-are-black-americans-free-couples-counseling-in-2019#comments]]></comments><pubDate>Thu, 01 Aug 2019 01:52:00 GMT</pubDate><category><![CDATA[Uncategorized]]></category><guid isPermaLink="false">http://www.relationshipgardening.com/blog/resource-redirection-for-portland-area-couples-who-are-black-americans-free-couples-counseling-in-2019</guid><description><![CDATA[ &#8203;First-I will cut to the chase-I am offering free couples counseling for Black American couples who can get to Portland, Oregon when there are current openings.&nbsp; This is not a one time free session offer-my approach is as a trained and experienced Licensed Professional Counselor of the Gottman Method (research informed) that has a usual course of twice a month 90 minute sessions for 3 months.          How did this offer come to be?&nbsp;&nbsp; At the Race Talks held monthly in Portla [...] ]]></description><content:encoded><![CDATA[<span class='imgPusher' style='float:left;height:0px'></span><span style='display: table;width:391px;position:relative;float:left;max-width:100%;;clear:left;margin-top:0px;*margin-top:0px'><a><img src="http://www.relationshipgardening.com/uploads/2/9/5/4/29541691/published/racetalkswelcomeslide2019.jpg?1564629391" style="margin-top: 10px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 10px; border-width:0; max-width:100%" alt="Picture" class="galleryImageBorder wsite-image" /></a><span style="display: table-caption; caption-side: bottom; font-size: 90%; margin-top: -10px; margin-bottom: 10px; text-align: center;" class="wsite-caption"></span></span> <div class="paragraph" style="display:block;"><font size="4">&#8203;First-I will cut to the chase-I am offering <strong>free couples counseling for Black American couples</strong> who can get to Portland, Oregon when there are current openings.&nbsp; This is not a one time free session offer-my approach is as a trained and experienced Licensed Professional Counselor of the Gottman Method (research informed) that has a usual course of twice a month 90 minute sessions for 3 months.</font></div> <hr style="width:100%;clear:both;visibility:hidden;"></hr>  <div><div class="wsite-image wsite-image-border-none " style="padding-top:10px;padding-bottom:10px;margin-left:0;margin-right:0;text-align:center"> <a> <img src="http://www.relationshipgardening.com/uploads/2/9/5/4/29541691/published/facilitatorshannon2019.jpg?1564629191" alt="Picture" style="width:auto;max-width:100%" /> </a> <div style="display:block;font-size:90%"></div> </div></div>  <h2 class="wsite-content-title">How did this offer come to be?&nbsp;<br />&nbsp; At the Race Talks held monthly in Portland, Oregon at a lovely McMenamin's location (currently Kennedy School, see <a href="https://racetalkspdx.com/" target="_blank">Race Talks site</a>), I learned over the last 6 or more years many things that poked my white bubble open.&nbsp; One thing I learned about was white people in America do resource hogging, although that is not the term usually used.&nbsp;<br /><br />What happened in 2018?<br />&nbsp; In 2018 I was accepted into the Race Talks Facilitator training, a process that is completed after 100 hours in training and while volunteering as a facilitator. Facilitators are needed to follow up each month's topical presentation by local experts, with conversations on race facilitated at the tables of up to 12 attendees each in a room of a dozen tables-sometimes all packed and then some-aimed at increasing compassion, understanding and making change.&nbsp; I am there because I want to be a part of what makes Race Talks amazing-great conversations on racial topics. I also am there to keep learning how to do this better-be aware of racism in the USA-and what can be done about it, and do it.&nbsp; I also am learning every month how to be better as a white ally in facilitation, and also keep tuning up racial equity outside of Race Talks.<br /><br />&nbsp; &nbsp;<strong>Reparations</strong> is not the right word for what I wanted to do with my professional services, although it is in the right direction, but it is my working label for this offer.&nbsp; I want to move more barriers away for Black Americans to get the marriage repair or strengthening which is my particular superpower. <strong>Better marriages means lowered stress, better health, and being more freed up to fulfill your own mission.</strong> All this is about is looking at what I have to offer-as a licensed professional counselor that specializes in a Gottman approach to couples' success-and making that excellence accessible to couples who are Black, or have 1 spouse who is Black. All are welcome to ask about a flexible rate.<br /><br />&#8203;Why is this offer for Black Americans?<br />&nbsp; &nbsp;The main reason is the structural racism or systemic racism that is a major component of the United States of America, and has been in action in Portland, OR since it began.<br /><br />From The Movement For Black Lives- (<a href="https://policy.m4bl.org/about/">https://policy.m4bl.org/about/</a>)<br /><br /><em><span>"Structural racism &mdash; particularly against Black Americans &mdash; has shaped the rules of our economy since the founding of the U.S. The combination of slavery, America&rsquo;s deep-rooted system of racial capitalism, and long-lasting discriminatory institutions have for centuries denied Black people equal access to the wealth created through their labor.</span><br /><br /><span>Second, such racism continues to drive unequal economic outcomes and opportunities that are passed on intergenerationally. Today, an entire system of laws, regulations, policies, and normative practices explicitly exclude Black Americans from the economy and from leading safe, healthy, and economically secure lives. In the past, this took the form of Jim Crow and problematic racial and gender exclusions in New Deal social policies; now, the most glaring example is our racialized system of mass incarceration.</span> </em><br /><br /><span><em>In 2011, the median Black household had just $7,113 in wealth, more than 15 times less than the $111,146 in wealth held by the median white household. Today, a mere 42 percent of Black families compared to 72 percent of whites own their homes, driving the historically durable racial wealth gap. At the end of 2015, the unemployment rate for the general population was 5 percent, yet 9.2 percent for Black workers and just 4.4 percent for white workers. The unemployment rate for Black Americans has been roughly double that for whites since at least the early 1970s.<br /><br />There are also stark racial disparities in education, health access and outcomes, the criminal justice system, and social mobility, among many other arenas of economic security and well-being."</em><br /><br />&nbsp; &nbsp;Free couples counseling by one counselor for Portland area Black Americans is not the change we need on a structural or systemic level -but it is my way of stepping up and making a contribution that makes sense according to what I have to offer. Alternatively, the Reparations couple can make a donation to the charity of their choice.<br /><br />Every white person can figure out how to leverage their whiteness for the racial equity we need in America.&nbsp; We can support organizations doing this work to repair and restore in any way we can.&nbsp; White people can step up.</span><br /><br /><br /><br /></h2>]]></content:encoded></item><item><title><![CDATA[Transgender Coming Out In Marriage-Spouses' Group]]></title><link><![CDATA[http://www.relationshipgardening.com/blog/transgender-coming-out-in-marriage-spouses-group]]></link><comments><![CDATA[http://www.relationshipgardening.com/blog/transgender-coming-out-in-marriage-spouses-group#comments]]></comments><pubDate>Wed, 11 Jul 2018 22:06:50 GMT</pubDate><category><![CDATA[Uncategorized]]></category><guid isPermaLink="false">http://www.relationshipgardening.com/blog/transgender-coming-out-in-marriage-spouses-group</guid><description><![CDATA[In Portland, Oregon, every week the support group I founded and lead, Spouses' Group for the cisgender spouse (or unmarried life partner) of partners who are trans or non binary, dissolves the walls of isolation for new and old members as the dozens of members step up for each other in and out of the group.&nbsp; For most Spouses Group&nbsp;          	 		 			 				 					 						     					 								 					 						   first takes the form of having somewhere, ANYwhere to finally be able to talk about it [...] ]]></description><content:encoded><![CDATA[<div class="paragraph">In Portland, Oregon, every week the support group I founded and lead, Spouses' Group for the cisgender spouse (or unmarried life partner) of partners who are trans or non binary, dissolves the walls of isolation for new and old members as the dozens of members step up for each other in and out of the group.&nbsp; For most Spouses Group&nbsp;</div>  <div><div class="wsite-image wsite-image-border-none " style="padding-top:10px;padding-bottom:10px;margin-left:0;margin-right:0;text-align:center"> <a> <img src="http://www.relationshipgardening.com/uploads/2/9/5/4/29541691/published/143581105.jpg?1531347353" alt="Picture" style="width:383;max-width:100%" /> </a> <div style="display:block;font-size:90%"></div> </div></div>  <div><div class="wsite-multicol"><div class="wsite-multicol-table-wrap" style="margin:0 -15px;"> 	<table class="wsite-multicol-table"> 		<tbody class="wsite-multicol-tbody"> 			<tr class="wsite-multicol-tr"> 				<td class="wsite-multicol-col" style="width:12.922173274596%; padding:0 15px;"> 					 						  <div class="wsite-spacer" style="height:50px;"></div>   					 				</td>				<td class="wsite-multicol-col" style="width:87.077826725404%; padding:0 15px;"> 					 						  <span class='imgPusher' style='float:left;height:287px'></span><span style='display: table;width:auto;position:relative;float:left;max-width:100%;;clear:left;margin-top:20px;*margin-top:40px'><a><img src="http://www.relationshipgardening.com/uploads/2/9/5/4/29541691/amanita_orig.jpeg" style="margin-top: 5px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 10px; border-width:1px;padding:3px; max-width:100%" alt="Picture" class="galleryImageBorder wsite-image" /></a><span style="display: table-caption; caption-side: bottom; font-size: 90%; margin-top: -10px; margin-bottom: 10px; text-align: center;" class="wsite-caption"></span></span> <div class="paragraph" style="text-align:left;display:block;">first takes the form of having somewhere, ANYwhere to finally be able to talk about it openly.&nbsp; When Spouses are doing very well as a family, and consider themselves more like mentors in the group, they move on over to the Graduates list.<br /><br />&nbsp; Everyone signs an informed consent paper that includes an agreement to keep things confidential. It is important to keep the sharing they heard or who was there to themselves.&nbsp;&nbsp;<br />The group is always open to new members.<br /><br />&nbsp; Besides an event based reason (partner's transition) to have in common, this group is screened and selected to also have one other very special thing in common-being supportive to their transitioning mate.&nbsp; Group members have thanked me for screening for supportive spouses to provide something other than all the negative stories easily found on the internet, Amanita (Freema Agyeman)&nbsp; in Sense8, the exception.<br /><br />A lot of details go into whether to be of support going forward and how. For the ones that do-and are local enough-and find Spouses' Group, they discover it is essential to have their own peeps to share the way through, to swap stories from funny to tearful, for some -to go get a coffee together every week, for all-to no longer be alone. <br /><br />Spouses get really brave and sometimes let the others in during really hard times- like a big ole gender dysphoria crash in the house and the spouse needing a phone friend late at night. Id<span style="color:rgb(64, 59, 52)">eas and referrals are shared for the usefulness of both the spouses and their transgender partners.</span>&nbsp;It is the nature of these particular spouses (and me too) to care about the mates-I make sure Spouses remember to care for themselves too.<br />&#8203;<br />&nbsp; &nbsp;I like to encourage not just all that but to also bring the focus back to the Spouses, "what do YOU need this week?" "How have YOU changed?"&nbsp; This journey is a transition for both and getting the whole family through (many have kids from babies to beyond college age) is more likely to happen with a community in which you can all be yourselves.&nbsp; <br /><br />I feel grateful for that first spouse that visited me in session and asked me to start this group back in 2016.&nbsp; It has been a real honor and refreshing change to have these often very high functioning couples in my office. What a great community to launch! <br /><br />Let me know if you want some encouragement to launch a support group in your city to assist spouses and partners.&nbsp; If you feel moved and able to do so safely, share this post, or site, and write your comments or questions below. Or send them to me at the "connect with Shannon" button found on all the website's pages.<br />&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; Shannon Batts<br />&nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; &nbsp; <a href="http://www.spousesresourcecenter.org/spouses-resource-center.html" target="_blank">spousesresourcecenter.org</a></div> <hr style="width:100%;clear:both;visibility:hidden;"></hr>  <div><div class="wsite-image wsite-image-border-none " style="padding-top:10px;padding-bottom:10px;margin-left:0;margin-right:0;text-align:center"> <a> <img src="http://www.relationshipgardening.com/uploads/2/9/5/4/29541691/published/coffeegroupmugs.jpeg?1531357469" alt="Picture" style="width:281;max-width:100%" /> </a> <div style="display:block;font-size:90%"></div> </div></div>   					 				</td>			</tr> 		</tbody> 	</table> </div></div></div>]]></content:encoded></item><item><title><![CDATA[Doing Her Best (how to forgive a difficult mother)]]></title><link><![CDATA[http://www.relationshipgardening.com/blog/doing-her-best-how-to-forgive-a-difficult-mother]]></link><comments><![CDATA[http://www.relationshipgardening.com/blog/doing-her-best-how-to-forgive-a-difficult-mother#comments]]></comments><pubDate>Fri, 10 Apr 2015 09:37:56 GMT</pubDate><category><![CDATA[Uncategorized]]></category><guid isPermaLink="false">http://www.relationshipgardening.com/blog/doing-her-best-how-to-forgive-a-difficult-mother</guid><description><![CDATA[ 	 		 			 				 					 						                            					 								 					 						   DOING HER BEST by Shannon Batts, MS, LMFT, LPC (relationshipgardening.weebly.com)My mother, fleeing sexual abuse and alcoholic parenting, got pregnant at 13 in the 1940s by a man old enough to be her father. Her first baby died at 9 months old. This was her back story of trauma from which more and more of it piled up till I arrived in the 1960s in my little baby superhero cape to attempt to save everyone from th [...] ]]></description><content:encoded><![CDATA[<div><div class="wsite-multicol"><div class="wsite-multicol-table-wrap" style="margin:0 -15px;"> 	<table class="wsite-multicol-table"> 		<tbody class="wsite-multicol-tbody"> 			<tr class="wsite-multicol-tr"> 				<td class="wsite-multicol-col" style="width:49.999999999999%; padding:0 15px;"> 					 						  <div><div class="wsite-image wsite-image-border-thin " style="padding-top:10px;padding-bottom:10px;margin-left:0;margin-right:0;text-align:right"> <a> <img src="http://www.relationshipgardening.com/uploads/2/9/5/4/29541691/831953523.jpg?187" alt="Picture" style="width:187;max-width:100%" /> </a> <div style="display:block;font-size:90%"></div> </div></div>  <div class="wsite-spacer" style="height:788px;"></div>  <div><div class="wsite-image wsite-image-border-border-width:0 " style="padding-top:10px;padding-bottom:10px;margin-left:0;margin-right:0;text-align:center"> <a> <img src="http://www.relationshipgardening.com/uploads/2/9/5/4/29541691/1428658243.png" alt="Picture" style="width:auto;max-width:100%" /> </a> <div style="display:block;font-size:90%"></div> </div></div>  <div class="wsite-spacer" style="height:224px;"></div>  <div><div class="wsite-image wsite-image-border-thin " style="padding-top:10px;padding-bottom:10px;margin-left:0;margin-right:0;text-align:center"> <a> <img src="http://www.relationshipgardening.com/uploads/2/9/5/4/29541691/651564451.jpg" alt="Picture" style="width:100%;max-width:1024px" /> </a> <div style="display:block;font-size:90%"></div> </div></div>   					 				</td>				<td class="wsite-multicol-col" style="width:49.999999999999%; padding:0 15px;"> 					 						  <span class='imgPusher' style='float:left;height:527px'></span><span style='display: table;width:187px;position:relative;float:left;max-width:100%;;clear:left;margin-top:20px;*margin-top:40px'><a><img src="http://www.relationshipgardening.com/uploads/2/9/5/4/29541691/published/655870409.jpg?1531358429" style="margin-top: 5px; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 10px; border-width:1px;padding:3px; max-width:100%" alt="Picture" class="galleryImageBorder wsite-image" /></a><span style="display: table-caption; caption-side: bottom; font-size: 90%; margin-top: -10px; margin-bottom: 10px; text-align: center;" class="wsite-caption"></span></span> <div class="paragraph" style="text-align:justify;display:block;"><span style="font-weight:400"><span style="font-weight:400"><span style="font-weight:400"><span style="font-weight:400"><span style="font-weight:400"><span style="font-weight:400"><span style="font-weight:400"><span style="font-weight:400"><span style="font-weight:400"><span style="font-weight:400"><span style="font-weight:400"><span style="font-weight:400"><span style="font-weight:400"><span style="font-weight:400"><span style="font-weight:400"><span style="font-weight:400"><span style="font-weight:400"><span style="font-weight:400"><span style="font-weight:400"><span style="font-weight:400"><span style="font-weight:400"><span style="font-weight:400"><span style="font-weight:400"><span style="font-weight:400"><span style="font-weight:400"><span style="font-weight:400"><span style="font-weight:400"><span style="font-weight:400"><span style="font-weight:400"><span style="font-weight:400"><span style="font-weight:400"><span style="font-weight:400"><span style="font-weight:400"><span style="font-weight:400"><span style="font-weight:400"><span style="font-weight:400"><span style="font-weight:400"><span style="font-weight:400"><span style="font-weight:400"><span style="font-weight:400"><span style="font-weight:400"><span>DOING HER BEST by Shannon Batts</span>, MS, LMFT, LPC (relationshipgardening.weebly.com)<br /><br /><span>My mother, fleeing sexual abuse and alcoholic parenting, got pregnant at 13 in the 1940s by a man old enough to be her father. Her first baby died at 9 months old. This was her back story of trauma from which more and more of it piled up till I arrived in the 1960s in my little baby superhero cape to attempt to save everyone from their misery till it nearly killed me. </span><br /><span>In my later teens and young adult years when I was very mad at my mother for being an obnoxious alcoholic with violent boyfriends, &nbsp;I realized that she was a baby that never got mothered-that her drinking really kept her infantile. How on Earth can an infantile, blotto, unmothered woman mother anyone else? Forgiveness replaced my anger when I answered this question you can ask yourself too,</span><span> "What if your mother is doing or did the best she could, even when she leans toward narcissism?"</span><span> </span><br /><br /><span>All the anger melted away and I wrote her a letter while at college telling her I didn't expect her to mother me any longer. She didn't get enough for herself, how can I expect her to have any for me? &nbsp;I&nbsp; finally cared for myself better by also saying I could not have contact with her any longer till she sobered up.&nbsp; &nbsp;<br />The poison of all the various facets of an alcoholic parent was just too much for me. I spent some years in therapy and support groups to heal from my lack of parenting.&nbsp; She refused to go for her own help, although I do remember driving her to a clinic myself when I was 16 after one of her many suicide attempts. &nbsp;She had a bit of a tantrum once we arrived and refused to go back.</span><br /><br /><span>After that letting go of anger letter, I didn't speak to her in any way for 8 years. &nbsp;She didn't know where I was. &nbsp;I didn't know if she was dead from her annual suicide attempts, or drunk driving, or being killed by her violent husband. The odds on getting that call were high.</span><br /><br /><span>&nbsp;&nbsp; This is where Other Mothers come in. &nbsp;I called them Real Mothers. &nbsp;Women of love and humor, of happy surprises, able to connect with each other and be there for each other. Women who took a stand against hurtful gossip, or tearing down other women, who showed concern without criticism through all life's growing up challenges-these were my new mothers. &nbsp;We showed up for each other. &nbsp;We mothered each other. &nbsp;We had fun with it.</span>&nbsp; Chosen family really rocks!<br /><br /><span>I send cards for Mother's day to the women I admire who make kick ass mothers whether they birthed children or not. &nbsp;I tell them they are the Real Mothers who bring love and caring into the world and how glad I am to have known them. </span><br /><br /><span>The gift my mother gave me right now that many only dream of having from their parents-is the gift of getting sober which she did at age 59. &nbsp;Some say you can only get sober for yourself, but sobriety is a gift for your kids too. &nbsp;Actually some folks can get sober on a drunken New Year's Eve bet and that is how it went down for my mother. The other guy gave up after 2 days and my mother thought that was not enough of a competition. She planned to see how long she could go without drinking. Once she sobered up she realized her friends were all really obnoxious self-absorbed drunks, she quit her bartending job in a stormy fight standing up to an abusive male boss, and got the first job in her life that wasn't about serving drinks in one way or another.&nbsp; <br />The woman has grown some guts (but had to sober up first).</span><br /><br /><span>Mothering my own is my second chance. &nbsp;It is hard and it is relentless and some days I know why my mother preferred to be blotto. Thousands and thousands of hugs and kisses for my daughter, nurturing her growth and astounding creativity, being there for my girl even in all her fieriness-committing to an alcohol and drug free life-all these are a gift to my mother as well. &nbsp;It says the brokenness in our family stops here and we can end our misery and move forward creating our future with love. &nbsp;To be a better mother or as I have coached my child to call me "Good Enough Mom," instead of perfect, or awesome-is to give my mother a chance to be proud of me as well-for growing a nurturing mother in me without being destroyed by my own mother's brokenness. &nbsp;What if we are doing our best?</span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div> <hr style="width:100%;clear:both;visibility:hidden;"></hr>   					 				</td>			</tr> 		</tbody> 	</table> </div></div></div>  <div class="wsite-spacer" style="height:50px;"></div>  <div><div class="wsite-image wsite-image-border-thin " style="padding-top:10px;padding-bottom:10px;margin-left:0;margin-right:0;text-align:center"> <a> <img src="http://www.relationshipgardening.com/uploads/2/9/5/4/29541691/690760753.jpg?209" alt="Picture" style="width:209;max-width:100%" /> </a> <div style="display:block;font-size:90%"></div> </div></div>]]></content:encoded></item><item><title><![CDATA[IRL of a Misfit Mom Over 50]]></title><link><![CDATA[http://www.relationshipgardening.com/blog/irl-of-a-misfit-mom-over-50]]></link><comments><![CDATA[http://www.relationshipgardening.com/blog/irl-of-a-misfit-mom-over-50#comments]]></comments><pubDate>Tue, 02 Dec 2014 10:56:12 GMT</pubDate><category><![CDATA[Uncategorized]]></category><guid isPermaLink="false">http://www.relationshipgardening.com/blog/irl-of-a-misfit-mom-over-50</guid><description><![CDATA[New personal blog, telling my truth, giving you the back story, too much information and definitely way outside of the box for a marriage counselor's blog-see the link for all the chapters that will be grouped together under IRL Misfit Mom Over 50 drop down under Blog tab at the top of this page.&nbsp; Or click here&nbsp; IRL Love, Shannon [...] ]]></description><content:encoded><![CDATA[<div class="paragraph" style="text-align:left;"><span style="color:rgb(64, 59, 52); font-weight:400"><span style="color:rgb(64, 59, 52); font-weight:400">New personal blog, telling my truth, giving you the back story, too much information and definitely way outside of the box for a marriage counselor's blog-see the link for all the chapters that will be grouped together under IRL Misfit Mom Over 50 drop down under Blog tab at the top of this page.&nbsp; Or click here&nbsp; <a href="http://relationshipgardening.weebly.com/irl-misfit-mom-over-50">IRL </a><br />Love, Shannon</span></span></div>]]></content:encoded></item><item><title><![CDATA[Video Chat Opens Doors to Marriage Help]]></title><link><![CDATA[http://www.relationshipgardening.com/blog/video-chat-opens-doors-to-marriage-help]]></link><comments><![CDATA[http://www.relationshipgardening.com/blog/video-chat-opens-doors-to-marriage-help#comments]]></comments><pubDate>Fri, 24 Oct 2014 23:08:38 GMT</pubDate><category><![CDATA[Uncategorized]]></category><guid isPermaLink="false">http://www.relationshipgardening.com/blog/video-chat-opens-doors-to-marriage-help</guid><description><![CDATA[&nbsp;&nbsp; Although online therapy has been around since at least 2000, technology advances make it much easier nowadays to get a counselor or coach to speak to you across the miles with your internet connection and a web cam.&nbsp; Counselors must follow the licensing laws to know whether you can meet over the web and what kind of service you can have.&nbsp; In other words, sessions with a counselor out of state&nbsp;are only going to be legal if your counselor has a license in the state wher [...] ]]></description><content:encoded><![CDATA[<div class="paragraph" style="text-align:left;"><span style='text-decoration:none; font-style:normal; font-weight:400; color:rgb(64, 59, 52); '><span style="text-decoration:none; font-style:normal; font-weight:400; color:rgb(64, 59, 52); "><span style="text-decoration:none; font-style:normal; font-weight:400; color:rgb(64, 59, 52); "><span style="text-decoration:none; font-style:normal; font-weight:400; color:rgb(64, 59, 52); "><span style="text-decoration:none; font-style:normal; font-weight:400; color:rgb(64, 59, 52); "><span style="color: rgb(64, 59, 52); font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none;"><span style="color: rgb(64, 59, 52); font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none;"><span style="color: rgb(64, 59, 52); font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none;"><span style="color: rgb(64, 59, 52); font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none;"><span style="color: rgb(64, 59, 52); font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none;"><span style="color: rgb(64, 59, 52); font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none;"><span style="color: rgb(64, 59, 52); font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none;"><span style="color: rgb(64, 59, 52); font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none;"><span style="color: rgb(64, 59, 52); font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none;"><span style="color: rgb(64, 59, 52); font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none;"><span style="color: rgb(64, 59, 52); font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none;"><font size="3">&nbsp;&nbsp; Although online therapy has been around since at least 2000, technology advances</font> make it much easier nowadays to get a counselor or coach to speak to you across the miles with your internet connection and a web cam.&nbsp; Counselors must follow the licensing laws to know whether you can meet over the web and what kind of service you can have.&nbsp; In other words, sessions with a counselor out of state&nbsp;are only going to be legal if your counselor has a license in the state where you live, or is providing what is called "coaching"&nbsp; (and knows the difference) available to&nbsp;residents of any state or nation.&nbsp;<br />&nbsp;&nbsp; <font size="3">When I first started "online therapy" back in 2000</font>, web cams had not quite taken off in popularity so when I logged in for a session it was into a secured text based therapy&nbsp;chat room with just the client and I.&nbsp; Surprisingly, I found I could work fast and effective and it seemed that the world of online counseling was a new creature in all ways.&nbsp; Assessment was mainly left to a quick pre session intake form, clients could remain anonymous to the counselor (although the credit card billing name was evident), and I swear I did an effective counseling session for a&nbsp;woman on her work break in under 15 minutes!&nbsp; I would have never believed it myself if I hadn't been there.&nbsp; <br />&nbsp;&nbsp; <font size="3">Here we are&nbsp;nearly 15 years&nbsp;later and my online sessions have been video sessions</font> from both my phone and computer.&nbsp; Distance clients and I&nbsp;still talk the old fashioned way, over the phone,&nbsp;but once you get that live video stream&nbsp;up on the screen, people get excited about seeing each other and getting all that visual information that helps fill out the emotional context.&nbsp;&nbsp; The difference for me is like turning the light on when before talking on the phone is like having a conversation in the dark.&nbsp; I can do it, but it is so much better when we can see each other! <br />&nbsp;&nbsp; <font size="3">Couples from other nations have reached out to get coaching</font> and as long as they can speak English (or use an interpreter), get their video chat rolling, meet the legal criteria, and can make their payment via credit card on the Square Marketplace. I love it when the miles melt away and Relationship Gardening, delivering tools for growing love, goes GLOBAL!!!!!!<br /><br /></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></div>]]></content:encoded></item><item><title><![CDATA[Is Change Possible in Relationships?]]></title><link><![CDATA[http://www.relationshipgardening.com/blog/is-change-possible-in-relationships1]]></link><comments><![CDATA[http://www.relationshipgardening.com/blog/is-change-possible-in-relationships1#comments]]></comments><pubDate>Thu, 24 Jul 2014 05:37:26 GMT</pubDate><category><![CDATA[divorce]]></category><category><![CDATA[freebie]]></category><category><![CDATA[Gottman]]></category><guid isPermaLink="false">http://www.relationshipgardening.com/blog/is-change-possible-in-relationships1</guid><description><![CDATA[Is Change Possible in  Relationships?         How many therapists does it take to change a light  bulb?&nbsp; None.&nbsp; The light bulb will change itself when  it's ready.&nbsp;&nbsp;  But, are we born with this information?&nbsp; Did your  relationship come with instructions? Is your mother, sister, brother, father, neighbor, lover, boss, sponsor,  right about what it takes to make a marriage last?&nbsp; Not likely,  but maybe they read up.&nbsp; Maybe you got lucky and asked someone on the l [...] ]]></description><content:encoded><![CDATA[<div class="paragraph" style="text-align:left;"><span style='text-decoration:none; font-style:normal; font-weight:400; color:rgb(64, 59, 52); '><span style="text-decoration:none; font-style:normal; font-weight:400; color:rgb(64, 59, 52); ">Is Change Possible in  Relationships?     <span style="width: 48px; height: 14px; vertical-align: bottom;"></span>    <strong><span>How many therapists does it take to change a light  bulb?</span>&nbsp; </strong><br /><strong>None.&nbsp; The light bulb will change itself when  it's ready.&nbsp;&nbsp; </strong><br /><span></span> But, are we born with this <strong>information</strong>?&nbsp; Did your  relationship come with <strong>instructions</strong>?<br /><span></span><br /><span></span> Is your mother, sister, brother, father, neighbor, lover, boss, sponsor,  right about <strong>what it takes to make a marriage last</strong>?&nbsp; Not likely,  but maybe they read up.&nbsp;<br /><span></span><br /><span></span> Maybe you got lucky and asked someone on the long  lasting, happy path.&nbsp; But <strong>what works may seem to be one thing and really be  another</strong>. &nbsp;<br /><span></span><br /><span></span> The research shows us that<strong> everyone has disagreement in some of the basic  areas</strong>: money, kids-especially babies, in-laws, chore division, work, and sex.&nbsp;  It is not that having these conflicts is your problem, nor is it the thing that  will cause you to divorce.&nbsp;<strong> How you approach your hot topics is what makes or  breaks you, not that there are hot topics.&nbsp; And that, my friend, is heavily influenced by your  everyday interactions when not in conflict</strong>. And for some, traumas mess things up  by shortening your fuse as a result of a fight or flight habit that is stuck in  the on position. WE can do something about that!!!<br /><span></span><br /><span></span>  I know you are seeking.<strong>&nbsp;&nbsp;What will it take to get you in a conversation about how we can make this better?&nbsp;</strong> Doing nothing is choosing relationship demise.&nbsp;&nbsp;<strong>&nbsp;You will not know if you have given your relationship a fair chance to be a good one if you haven't applied the healthy love habits</strong> we know are present in marriages that thrive.&nbsp; They are not optional so it would make sense that marriages fall apart without them.&nbsp; So let's get them rolling for you!&nbsp; <br /><span></span><strong>Since you made it this far I invite you to do&nbsp;the following&nbsp;on your way to making a better choice than same old, same old.&nbsp;&nbsp;</strong>&nbsp; You can go to my Free Gift tab and get&nbsp;your copy of&nbsp;something I&nbsp;call "Love Habits," or use the blue sign up box that says "Love Habits" anywhere on the relationshipgardening.weebly.com site.&nbsp; <br /><span></span>Or just call or write today (see "connect with Shannon at top right of any page).<br /><span></span></span></span></div>]]></content:encoded></item><item><title><![CDATA[Transgender Is No Longer Considered an Identity Disorder]]></title><link><![CDATA[http://www.relationshipgardening.com/blog/transgender-is-no-longer-considered-an-identity-disorder]]></link><comments><![CDATA[http://www.relationshipgardening.com/blog/transgender-is-no-longer-considered-an-identity-disorder#comments]]></comments><pubDate>Fri, 23 May 2014 08:31:56 GMT</pubDate><category><![CDATA[Trans]]></category><guid isPermaLink="false">http://www.relationshipgardening.com/blog/transgender-is-no-longer-considered-an-identity-disorder</guid><description><![CDATA[The  many videos circulating including the ones I linked to in my prior  Trans Awareness Week blog post show people using a term "Gender Identity  Disorder," a diagnostic label which is no longer in use.   The diagnostic label of "Gender Identity Disorder" is replaced now with "Gender Dysphoria" and gets a bit of tweaking.   Gender Dysphoria is a term created to describe people whose gender at  birth is contrary to the one they identify with, and includes presence  of significant distress relate [...] ]]></description><content:encoded><![CDATA[<div class="paragraph" style="text-align:left;">The  many videos circulating including the ones I linked to in my prior  Trans Awareness Week blog post show people using a term "Gender Identity  Disorder," a diagnostic label which is no longer in use.  <br /><span style=""></span><br /><span style=""></span> The diagnostic label of "Gender Identity Disorder" is replaced now with "Gender Dysphoria" and gets a bit of tweaking.  <br /><span style=""></span><br /><span style=""></span> <strong>Gender Dysphoria </strong>is a term created to describe people whose gender at  birth is contrary to the one they identify with, and <em><strong>includes presence  of significant distress related to it</strong>.</em>  Trans does not equal Gender  Dysphoria in this diagnostic world, but trans with significant distress  does.  I would like to be in that world where a person not in a clear  binary gender identity isn't attacked, hated, fired, or murdered.  Since  we are not, it is hard to get my mind around how trans people could  walk around withOUT distress.  <br /><span style=""></span><br /><span style=""></span> <strong>Gender nonconformity is no longer being treated as a mental disorder  in the 2013 DSM-5</strong> (diagnostic manual for clinicians.  Don't get me  started on the DSM.)  Gender Dysphoria is moved to its own chapter-out  of Sexual Dysfunctions.<br /><span style=""></span><br /><span style=""></span> A post-transition specifier was added for anyone living in the  experienced gender (as in out of the closet full time) rather than  gender assigned by others (no matter the legal sanction) so as not to  create barriers to transition resources solely based on the  depathologizing of transgender people.<br /><span style=""></span><br /><span style=""></span> Relationship repair and support is not just for the gender binary.&nbsp; Any transgendered person wishing to consult with  me downtown on Saturdays can have a first appt as a gift with further  consults on a donation (pay what you can) basis. <br /><span style=""></span><br /><span style=""></span> Love,<br /> Shannon<br /><span style=""></span><br /><span style=""></span></div>]]></content:encoded></item><item><title><![CDATA[Depression and Alcohol Cravings?  Getting Relief]]></title><link><![CDATA[http://www.relationshipgardening.com/blog/depression-and-alcohol-cravings-getting-relief]]></link><comments><![CDATA[http://www.relationshipgardening.com/blog/depression-and-alcohol-cravings-getting-relief#comments]]></comments><pubDate>Thu, 22 May 2014 08:41:32 GMT</pubDate><category><![CDATA[Addiction]]></category><guid isPermaLink="false">http://www.relationshipgardening.com/blog/depression-and-alcohol-cravings-getting-relief</guid><description><![CDATA[ She  reminded me of my father-when he was young before he overdosed to  death.  Sweet, sensitive, introverted (getting refueled by being alone  and exploring creativity), smart, and wanting better for her kid, but  feeling very stuck.&nbsp;  I was thinking how freaky this is-that there is a  chance at any time for an alcoholic not to lose everything, and I was in the presence of one of those moments. &nbsp; I have  thought about this a lot in my life-but to meet one on the cusp like  this made  [...] ]]></description><content:encoded><![CDATA[<div class="paragraph" style="text-align:left;"> She  reminded me of my father-when he was young before he overdosed to  death.  Sweet, sensitive, introverted (getting refueled by being alone  and exploring creativity), smart, and wanting better for her kid, but  feeling very stuck.&nbsp;  I was thinking how freaky this is-that there is a  chance at any time for an alcoholic not to lose everything, and I was in the presence of one of those moments. &nbsp; I have  thought about this a lot in my life-but to meet one on the cusp like  this made me wish that my father could have heard what I was about to  say to my client.  <br /><span style=""></span><br /><span style=""></span>  The kinds of suffering she was having-lack of sleep, anxiety, at  times claustrophobia, an avalanche of negative thoughts, craving  alcohol-got my wheels turning that she was likely experiencing a  nutrient deficit, possibly doing that stockpiling of histamine dance  that is undermethylation-a term I didn't even know when my father was  alive.  My very simplified version of undermethylation is that a step in  the filtration process in the body isn't doing its job well.  We get to  a tipping or more likely a crashing point and all hell breaks loose.&nbsp; See Dr. Ben Lynch's website to get all the information on genetic variants such as MTHFR and what to do about them.<br /><span style=""></span><br /><span style=""></span>  I described a couple of possibilities of how certain nutritional  crashes produce mood disorders and symptoms-anxiety, depression,  cravings and that most doctors do not look at this seriously or at all.&nbsp;   Any client of mine that has any kind of personal body or mind suffering gets a  referral to my hotshot top of the heap naturopath-STAT!   Otherwise it  is like trying to teach some dance steps to a person with a broken leg  that hasn't been treated.  Ok-ya they can take in the information,  maybe, but can we at least get the dang leg xrayed?!&nbsp; " I am not a doctor, Jim, I'm a therapist!" &nbsp; But I know some amazing naturopaths and have learned a lot about an  alternative understanding to what makes people feel like crud  emotionally and it is not a lack of SSRI drugs. (Dr Peter Breggin, anyone? Google him and listen to this wise and gentle psychiatrist clarify things).<br /><span style=""></span><br /><span style=""></span> Just to be EXTRA CLEAR here I am not talking that psych drug company  mumbo jumbo about diabetics take insulin for the rest of their lives,  likewise a depressed person will need psych drugs for the rest of their  lives (not). But if that's all you know, then that's all you know.   See  my blog post about Robert Whitaker and Anatomy of an Epidemic to get  caught up on that big deception.  Whitaker's updates are riveting and if  you get a chance, listen closely to any of his talks posted on YouTube.<br /><span style=""></span><br /><span style=""></span> <strong>Where do you start?</strong><br /> Holistic mental health naturopaths have a few things they look at to see  if your body is doing what it is supposed to so you can feel well.   Anyone with any difficulties of mood would get checked for crashed or  excessive amounts of necessary nutrients...like zinc.  Or maybe a  profile that shows you are stockpiling histamine and it is way too high  in your bloodstream-this will cause mood swings, anxiety or in real  severe amounts-manic, panic or OCD states.  It runs in families and in  children can manifest in many intense ways.  Many of us moms have been  told we got a typical mommy brain after childbirth but have no idea that  our brain fog could be cleared up in hours to just a few days with  nutritional boosting of the methylation cycle. I myself struggled  painfully for almost 9 years postpartum thinking I lost most of my  memory and tracking abilities within days of giving birth only to have  most restored within 24 hours of histamine detox. <br /><span style=""></span><br /><span style=""></span> Let me cut to the chase and tell you that a few specific vitamins  later, our aforementioned client gal lost her craving for alcohol, began  sleeping well for the first time in many years, is shedding the anxiety  and hopelessness that plagued her and as a result has the inner  resources freed up to be a healthy partner and mother.<br /> Bleak mood states and lack of sleep, intoxication and blackouts moved out make a lot of room for creative projects and growth.<br /> Sometimes I wonder, "what would my Dad have done if freed from his suffering?"<br /> <strong>And what about you? </strong><br /><span style=""></span><br /><span style=""></span></div>]]></content:encoded></item></channel></rss>