What's Wrong With Sarcasm In Relationships? By Relationship Gardener Shannon Batts
Wait a minute! Don't mess with my sarcasm! That is my first thought. Now on to relationship growing. Since the research tells us that criticism is one of the four major poisons of a love match, seems to me we ought to take a closer look at sarcasm as a form of criticism or even worse-contempt. Being a sarcasm junkie myself it feels like some kind of surgery of an essential organ if you take my sarcasm away.
When I look it up, the word "sarcasm" is associated with cutting, searing and biting. Sounds more like dinner to me. Don't you just love British humor with all its sarcasm? Saying one thing and meaning the opposite is so funny in comedy. But I bet that when your Honey asks "what you are doing in the kitchen?" and you retort, "What does it look like, I'm skiing in the alps," the barb is pretty clearly a put down. Like, "what's wrong with him that he had to ask the obvious" is the put down in the sarcasm. Putting your mate down is a poisonous act-even if it is funny to you.
And honestly, it is not that your partner is clueless. Different kinds of brains make connections in other ways than just yours. Your mate's question may be a way of saying, "Can I talk to you?" Or, "Come see this The Revolution is Love video http://youtu.be/BRtc-k6dhgs." Retorting with sarcasm is to miss the bid of connection. And even if there wasn't much of a bid, your reaction kills it or makes it bloom.
If it is more than criticism-say contempt, where you are expressing disgust or disdain for your partner-then it is a fatal type of relationship poison and you have no room for it at all between you if you value your relationship and want it to last all your life long days.
Sarcastic retorts do seem like indirect put downs to me. I have seen and done sarcasm to actually be funny and it works in that context-but these are not comedy situations. In workshops on better Love Habits, I use sarcasm when someone else is using it and I am using their style to get them to their aha moment, or when we are talking about something other than a person in the room.
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Try as an experiment when you catch yourself in sarcasm-trying a redo. This is a skill anyone can learn: to redo something that didn't work. "Let me try that again without sarcasm" is a perfect alternative. "I am washing dishes. What's on your mind, Sweet Thang?"
Peace,
Shannon
