Sir Ken and Climate Change in Your Relationship, by Shannon Batts, Relationship Gardener
Innovative creativity and education thinker and international consultant, Sir Ken Robinson:
"The thing is, if you are a leader, if you are running a state or a company, or a family or a school, you can’t make people develop, you can’t make them creative, you can’t make them find their talent. Any more than a farmer makes a plant grow. I mean a farmer or a gardener doesn’t make a plant grow, the plant grows itself.
You don’t stand around attaching petals and roots to this thing, it grows itself. What you do, if you’re any good, is your provide the ideal conditions for growth (...) the great conditions under which it will grow. We know that’s possible, because we know how easy it is to provide conditions under which things wilt and die. So, a part of this is climate change. It’s creating different social climates, different institutional climates, where people give it their best and become their best."
In the interview excerpt above, Sir Ken Robinson brings our attention to creating nurturing social and educational climates. He is so right that it is easy to be part of the wilt and die. My mission is to inspire and inform people that it is just as easy to be part of the heal and thrive side of life.
One form of wilt and die is simply doing nothing special in your relationship. If you ignore it-it will go away. Another form of wilt and die is bite it before it bites you. Maybe at first it might pose a challenge to make the switch to a relationship that is healthy enough to produce good feelings and memories, if you are a bit weighed down in mucky conditions. Relationships can feel overwhelming when raising children, caring for elders, economic pressures, or impaired health, might be too much for us at any one time. Life can feel like a deluge. We had such a weather climate problem here in Oregon last year-seed rot everywhere from too much rain!
Speaking from experience both as a homeschooling mother, and a relationship coach, it takes some dedicated (meaning everyday without giving up) effort to practice nurturing habits of positivity toward ourselves, children and mates. Sure it's easy without any challenge to your life-but add in the challenges and you cannot survive without the food to keep growing! You needed it to build the foundation of your relationship and you especially need it when going through tough phases of life.
What can you do right now to provide the nurturing conditions for a relationship climate change?
APPRECIATION-express it daily
Go tell your mate three things you adore about them-right to their face-not on Facebook. Do it every day from now on. "I love it when you..." " You are so good at..." "I am SO lucky to have you because..." Ok so Facebook yes-if you want to score points in the whole "bragging on him/her in front of her friends and family" category. But don't skip that deep gaze into the eyes. Remember when you first met-you caught each other's glances. They don't call it the window of the soul for nothing.
Make it your own mission to keep the positive flow poured on thick -the 15 or 20 positive to 1 negative bits of interaction that you need to be in the happy long lasting couple's statistic. I was spying on couples at a restaurant recently while waiting for my to go french fry order-and was so excited to see one of these 20 to 1 couples in action across a table. Even when he wasn't saying anything he was constant smiles and responses and nods all the while connecting with what she was saying. I didn't see ANY negative in their interaction-that is what you shoot for- where the negative is hardly noticeable. Reminds me of second date with Dearlly Beloved in which I said, "I woud like to be sitting next to you." And he said, "I wish you would.' So we immediately increased the positivity with the whole snuggle factor kicking in.
I tell you this not to be idealistic but to spread the lessons from the relationship research on who makes it in the life long love category. An even balance of positive to negative-nope, won't do. And some negatives have heavier weight-are more poisonous. Negativity is sticky -hard to get out of it once you get in-like a roach motel-ick. More on that later.
For now-go forth and start your own relationship climate change. And tell me how it goes.
See you soon,
Shannon
