What If My Partner Reacts Harshly to My Positive Efforts? How Do We Get Out Of the Rut? By Relationship Gardener, Shannon Batts
Abusive partners aside since that is an entirely different topic, if you are trying out new positive communication skills, it is very possible that if you have both been negative then you will have a negative (suspicious, defensive, etc) reaction at first. This is your sign that your relationship has built a negative perspective that is coloring your everyday interactions. Make a shift to new Love Habits and try out something like this...
"My Dear Beloved, I know we have been in a critical, crabby rut, but I am trying a new way of being more loving and supportive. We have to amp up our positive thoughts, plans, and actions in a BIG way to shift our negative perspective back to a positive one. So when I say, "Honey Bunches, what do you think about ...?" I am not trying to be critical or trap you, I really want to know what your idea is."
You can modify the truce to be more or less direct-but the idea is to acknowledge that you have indeed been going down the crabby road and you are turning over a new leaf starting now. AND KEEP AT IT TILL S/HE MELTS. Could take weeks.
For years I tried to change some terrible sleep habits with my kid. Then one day I learned that it takes WEEKS to get a new sleep cycle to stick. I was always giving up about a week before this window. And I was trying one thing and not ALL of the best ideas (like total darkness-oh the sleep is SO much better with complete blackout). When I stopped giving up, the sleep habits shifted right at the farthest end of what the experts predict it takes. I realized how many years I could have shaved off of agonizing sleepless zombie mom state if I had known to stick to the changes longer and to do them all.
When I saw my Beloved get crabby I didn't have to state a truce, just had to act like one was in place to make the shift. I heaped on more positive, knowing the research, and indeed it turned around his crabbiness as he experienced more positivity (and you have to pour it on, baby) from me every day. It wasn't an immediate improvement either-took MUCH longer than I expected. But if you are in a rut,how long did it take you to make the rut happen?
Imagine you are like one energy being-not two. If one side of you is hurting, cranky, not working, you would not berate it or abandon it as much as you would listen in to see what is wrong and then love and offer healing support to that part of you till you are entirely well. They don't call your spouse the "Other Half" for nothing.
Be brave, stay positive,
see you soon,
Shannon
