Relationship Gardening

With record rainfall in Portland, Oregon, and endless cold and blah days, and my putting off necessary attention, my labyrinth garden is now a bit out of hand.  In our relationships we think that it is no big deal this thing that keeps bugging us.  Maybe if I just say it louder-she will get it.  Or if I just go and hide-this will magically get better.  As we just do nothing new, before you know it, this disagreement is getting old, this difference between us keeps stirring up more negativity and pretty soon we are thinking “you don’t like me anymore,” and we are feeling more and more lonely in our struggle. 

When couples split apart down the road because they just "grew apart," or "it just didn't work out," this impies there was nothing to be done about it and it just happens sometimes.  That is one of our society's great delusions about relationships-that we don't have to feed them, or take responsibility for making them last and be happy. 

In my garden labyrinth I could hardly see the path with grasses 2 feet high, and wild growth moving into the edibles.  When I rolled up my sleeves this week and went to work it seemed hard to know where to start and as I worked I could not tell I was getting anywhere at first. 

It takes a commitment to believe in the love, in the vision of what you know it can be like together.  But it also takes courage to be willing to stretch even a little in a new direction to try out some missing love habits.  Just think of something difficult you have already done that may have seemed unbearable or just a big mystery at first.  You can find that courage to make your relationship better now.

 If your relationship garden is suffering under the weight of too much rain (fill in obnoxious stressor here), it could be you need only a few visits with a master gardener of relationships skilled in shaping up your communication.  Don’t let your rut drive you apart.  You can get lost wandering around in your weeds.  Remaining passive is no longer an option because we know now from the research that ignoring your problems and hiding yourself from your partner equals later divorce. 

I know you may be thinking that going to a counselor is death to the relationship.

And you are right to be suspicious of traditional couples’ therapy.  It has pretty stinky rates of success and really turns out to be a pathway to divorce.  Things have changed in the last 10 years and so should your counselor’s approach.  Be sure your coach uses the research of the Gottmans.  It is the world’s best and you want something like that based on actual happy couples, gay or straight, because it has a high success rate, and is based on something real that can help you too.

I was tempted to be hopeless, staring out at my labyrinth garden and thinking it was too much for me to do.  You have to start somewhere.  For me, I freed the lavender from the snarl of weeds.  In my marriage when I felt my love connection was getting beat up by life’s stressors I revved it back up with a daily 6 second kiss greeting.  

For you maybe it is learning a loving start to your complaint instead of a snarly one.  Or you might seek a way to keep your self from getting all lizard brain (fight or flight) when facing that perpetual problem (you know-the one that you keep having, no matter what).  Some folks need a tool for having conflict discussions that bring you closer.  Or maybe you need to get better at getting the poop off your shoe – a poop detection tool, so that you don’t track it all over your relationship.

You can get these tools out of the Gottman books-or you can visit me and I will show you how to use them.  Some folks only need a few visits to get their relationship gardening plan in place for success at home.  Visit me soon in the Alberta Arts district of Portland-my new location.

See you soon,

Shannon.