Relationship Gardening

A question posed by a woman I know who is bravely gardening her relationship, "Why do I blow up and attack my husband when I know better?"

Here we have a fine example of how we can switch a "Why?" question to a much more useful "What?" question.  The first leans toward too much criticism, and the latter to understanding and better love habits.

"What happened that got my goat?"  Ok, now that will head you in a better direction.

I can answer your "why do I blow up" question in a number of ways but today let's just look at triggers and what the heck is going on with them.

Have you heard of the "Lizard Brain?"   The phrase is used to describe when your flight or flight (or be invisible, or play dead) thinking takes charge for your survival.  It may seem like you are only discussing how to drive the car or where to meet at the designated public location, but the hidden part is that something very personal to you got triggered and adrenalin hit your bloodstream at which point you could lift a car with your bare hands to save fast moving babies.  In the absence of car lifting, we are left flailing around with lizard brain thinking which again let me remind you, has nothing to do with making rational conversation-just survival.  In fact, there are no channels for your survival brain to persuade the rational part to kick in.  Getting to know what it is that pushes your buttons specifically is important for really getting at some kind of prevention of this tangled mess.  What a huge difference it makes to take responsibility for my own reactions-so that I can do something about them!  If I make it your fault then it takes my power away.

If I had an hour with the two of you we could find out what those vulnerabilities (triggers) are that will need a bit more special care, however, if you are able to have these kinds of conversations on your own, please do.  We learn of each other's vulnerabilities so that we can understand each other better and then be more loving with the vulnerability in mind.

I can ask for what I need and I can do it gently.  And if it has gone all wonky and you need to fix it, making a repair attempt that works for you and your partner is what happy couples do.  They make those repair attempts and they accept them.  Accepting them is very important.

Once I know the vulnerability, for example a fear of being left, then out of care for that abandonment trigger, I would state more clearly what I am doing, "I am taking a break now, and it is not personal-I love you and I'll be back in 15 minutes.  Just need to get my mind clear so I can hear you better." 

Note to couples with abandonment fears, please have a conversation about taking a break and how it will be used, what it means BEFORE you get into it with each other.  This is better than surprise break taking which is not going to go over very well in the middle of an entanglement.

Or if it is my overcoming invisibility vulnerability it helps a lot to be more clear and direct. "I feel loved and cared for when you bring my favorite coconut milk ice cream home, not just yours.  When you don't then it can trigger sadness and feeling neglected even though you didn't mean it to."

And to take this further into a positivity boost, you can score major points in the feeling loved department when you make a point of doing something extra caring about your mate's vulnerability.  "I know it gets your goat when I micromanage your cooking, so I will stay out of the kitchen while you are doing your Iron Chef thing, Honey."  Then make sure you have fresh batteries in the smoke detectors and a fire extinguisher handy.

Come visit me in Portland, Oregon for personal attention to your relationship-showing you how to do the gardening of love habits that you need for an abundant harvest-the best kind of marriage or relationship help you could ask for.

See you soon,

Shannon